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Reflection Journal Synthesis

Use your reflection journals as a jumping off point for this exploration. Reread the work you produced so far, and note any comments made by the instructor. Consider the following: What are you thinking, feeling, and doing differently now, with regard to conflict? How has your concept and practice of conflict changed as result of the new ideas and skills introduced through the course?

Be specific. Provide concrete examples from your life, politics, etc. Show me what your takeaways look like in practice. Do

not

merely summarize your past journals. You must bring together those old ideas in new ways. Demonstrate your understanding of the relationship between the different topics we covered this semester. Show me how the skills, ideas, and concepts all work together to support your takeaways. How do those skills and concepts complement and enhance each other?

Essay 2: Conflict Resolution Practice (3 full pages double spaced)

For this essay, you will need to re-create some active listening exercises you did for earlier reflection journals, where you practice filterless/ solutionless listening, paraphrasing, mirroring, affect labeling, and open ended questions. Review these skills in your notes before doing the exercise. Try to choose a different person from past reflection journals and classroom activities.

The exercise will work best if you choose a speaker who is going through a difficult situation, or a speaker who feels challenging for you to interact with. It is up to you if you prefer to ask the person to help you practice, or if you want to try your skills during a normal conversation.

References Required for each essay: Use APA (American Psychological Association) citation
style for in-text citations and references.
Reminders for all writing in this class:
●
●
●
●
Outline your essays first before writing them.
● Write your topic sentences for each paragraph based on the outline.
● Make sure all sentences in each paragraph directly support or relate to your topic
sentences.
Use subheadings for clarity
Substantiate all your claims – if you say that something is so, back it up with evidence
through examples or drawing from the readings.
References are required in all essays.
Essay 1: Reflection Journal Synthesis (2 pages)
Think about the most important, most impactful, or most interesting things you learned this
semester. What lessons are you taking with you as we close?
Use your reflection journals as a jumping off point for this exploration. Reread the work you
produced so far, and note any comments made by the instructor. Consider the following: What
are you thinking, feeling, and doing differently now, with regard to conflict? How has your
concept and practice of conflict changed as a result of the new ideas and skills introduced
through the course?
Be specific. Provide concrete examples from your life, politics, etc. Show me what your
takeaways look like in practice. Do not merely summarize your past journals. You must bring
together those old ideas in new ways. Demonstrate your understanding of the relationship
between the different topics we covered this semester. Show me how the skills, ideas, and
concepts all work together to support your takeaways. How do those skills and concepts
complement and enhance each other?
Hint: You may only have space to write about a few top takeaways; you do not need to
summarize every single thing you learned this semester.
Organize your learnings by theme. You will have the most fun if you choose your own themes
that best represent your learnings. Here are some possible ideas to get your imagination going:
●
●
●
●
●
●
Using Solutionless Listening
Self Determination
Needs and Conflict
Feelings and Conflict
Positions vs. Interests
Keeping a Reflection Journal
Essay 2: Conflict Resolution Practice (3 pages)
Because an important part of our learning in this class relates to practice, it is important that you
have learned how to analyze your own practice via reflective process. Remember that a
reflective practice approach is one in which you ask yourself why you chose to act in a particular
way.
For this essay, you will need to re-create some active listening exercises you did for earlier
reflection journals, where you practice filterless/ solutionless listening, paraphrasing, mirroring,
affect labeling, and open ended questions. Review these skills in your notes before doing the
exercise. Try to choose a different person from past reflection journals and classroom activities.
The exercise will work best if you choose a speaker who is going through a difficult situation, or
a speaker who feels challenging for you to interact with. It is up to you if you prefer to ask the
person to help you practice, or if you want to try your skills during a normal conversation
Your challenge: Just listen and stay with the person – do not problem solve, do not evaluate, do
not give advice, do not agree or disagree. Paraphrase, mirror, and label affect. When
appropriate, you may ask OPEN-ended questions.
In your essay, identify a critical moment in your listening that made you doubt what to do or say
to the speaker. Follow the Graham Gibbs model of reflective practice (pictured below).
Start by describing the challenging moment. Do not describe the whole conversation; give just
enough context for the reader to follow along.
NOTE: “What happened” does not mean what happened in the person’s story. This essay
should focus on YOU, the listener, and what happened for YOU as you were listening and trying
to practice your active listening skills.
Then, follow the flowchart of the Graham Gibbs model, and answer the questions in the order
they appear above:
●
●
●
●
●
Feelings: What were you thinking and feeling?
Evaluation: What was good and bad about the experience?
Analysis: What sense can you make of the situation?
Analysis: What else could you have done?
Action plan: If it arose again what would you do?
Important: You must cite your ideas using texts from the class and our classroom discussions.
You can also use texts and content from other dispute resolution courses, but you must cite
them too.
Extra credit opportunity: 5 extra points on your final grade if you are able to do this exercise by
mediating a conflict between two people.
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Hostage at the Table
How Leaders Can Overcome Conflict, Influence
Others, and Raise Performance
George Kohlrieser
Jossey-Bass, 2006 %
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If a dangerous criminal was demanding a one-way ticket to
Venezuela as he threatened to blow your brains out, the person
you would most want to see coming onto the scene is author
George Kohlrieser. A psychologist and veteran hostage negotiator
who has defused explosive situations around the globe, Kohlrieser
now applies his knowledge, motivational insights and techniques
to the business world. He contends that conflict resolution is not
difficult if you understand how human self-esteem operates. The
basic negotiating principles he presents may have been noted in
other psychology and business management texts, but Kohlrieser’s
credibility and unique approach give his ideas an added kick. For
example, he uses real-life hostage negotiations to illustrate his
points. getAbstract thinks you’ll find that this whole package is
definitely a nonnegotiable demand.
Take-Aways
• Feeling powerless is a conscious decision.
• You can think yourself into self-fulfilling prophecies.
• But you can also train your mind to overcome obstacles.
• People with high self-esteem accept life on its own terms.
• Fear of failure impedes success.
• Unexpressed grief prevents bonding.
• Problem solving should focus on issues, not individuals.
• Treat people with respect at all times.
• Leave emotion out of negotiations.
• Don’t avoid dealing with tough issues. Put them on the table.
If you ignore them, they’ll fester and get worse.
Summary
Don’t Be Held Hostage
The idea of being held hostage by a desperate criminal who is
brandishing a gun or knife is beyond frightening. In fact, most
people can’t even imagine the sheer terror this situation would
evoke. You may even have asked yourself how you would react
under such circumstances. Actually, many folks are not even
aware that their bosses, co-workers, circumstances or emotions
are holding them hostage every day. Like real captives, they may
feel weak, helpless and trapped.
“
“
”
”
The global accessibility created by technology can
intrude on family and personal lives to the extent
that people feel hostage to their jobs, causing
profound pain to others and themselves.
Consider how you react when an inconsiderate driver tailgates you
or the airline loses your luggage? Chances are that you’re irritated,
aggravated or downright angry, feelings that stay with you for a
while and determine your behavior. The inability to release a
negative, harmful mindset or to get out of being manipulated, by
someone else or by your feelings, means you’re a hostage.
The Chinese character for ‘listen’ contains the
subcharacters for heart, eye and ear – all of which
we must use to truly listen.
Human reactions to stressful situations are largely biological.
Neurologist Paul MacLean has identified three distinct parts of the
brain: the reptilian brain, the limbic system and the neocortex.
The fight-or-flight instinct lives in the reptilian brain, which only
cares about survival. The limbic system is the home of emotions
and feelings. The neocortex is where people think, the area of the
brain that enables humans to overcome the messages of the
reptilian brain and limbic system. With practice, people can
control their emotional responses and react more productively.
The Power of the Mind
People who have accomplished extraordinary athletic feats report
that instead of focusing on pain, discomfort or misery, they
concentrated on the outcome. Instead of stopping at the 20-mile
mark because of leg cramps, the marathoner envisions crossing
the finish line. Instead of climbing into the boat, the exhausted
English Channel swimmer pictures reaching the shore and
walking out of the water to the sound of loud cheering. Medical
students whose lives are consumed by studying and hard work
think about receiving their degrees, and not about their extreme
fatigue.
“
”
“
“
”
”
Emotions are energy, and when energy is created,
it must go somewhere.
Negative thinking victimizes many people. That’s the voice in your
head that says you don’t think the boss will promote you. People
tend to become hostages to their own pessimism; more often than
not, that leads to a negative outcome. Imagine walking into the
office on Monday morning well-rested and looking forward to a
productive week. Fifteen minutes later, you’ve gotten four phone
calls, a dozen e-mails and a reminder that you’re meeting a
difficult client at 10 a.m. All of a sudden, your peaceful world has
been disrupted and your attention is fragmented. But you can
resist. Effective leaders do not allow themselves to be taken
hostage by their environment or by demands on their time. They
stay focused and positive.
A high-performing team has emotional
commitment to goals as well as commitment to
each other.
Often, your psychological history determines your self-fulfilling
prophecies – positive or negative. If your parents discouraged you
from taking risks, then you are highly unlikely to step out of your
comfort zone and accept new challenges. However, you can
disrupt this thought process. You do not have to be held hostage
by your negativity. Visualization is one way to condition your
mind to focus on the positive. Many athletes use this technique.
Mentally, the relief pitcher has already struck the batter out before
he even enters the game. The tennis player has already made the
ace before she lifts her racquet.
People who are afraid to fail are often unable to
explore and take risks that may lead to success,
because they are insecure.
You can apply visualization in the workplace as well. If you’re
scheduled to make an important presentation to the executive
board, imagine everyone sitting around the conference table
listening to you intently. Imagine the handshakes and plaudits
you’ll receive afterward. Think of your warm feelings of selfsatisfaction. In a larger sense, successful companies invariably
create and sustain an overall vision that unites their workers on an
emotional level. Southwest Airline employees embrace the
corporate vision of superior customer service. Japanese auto
workers take pride in producing cars that have a solid reputation
for performance and reliability.
Bonding, Grieving and Going Forward
Business leaders sometimes are so focused on results they tend to
ignore a vital part of success. They spend their energy devising
strategies and creating flow charts while ignoring opportunities to
interact with their people. Managers and executives who prefer to
spend their time poring over printouts instead of dealing with
human beings clearly could be afraid of relationships. Those fears
hold them hostage. People who cannot bond can trace this
deficiency to past relationships or situations. The bonding cycle, a
component of every relationship, consists of four stages:
1. “Attachment” – Many scientific studies have shown that
infants who are deprived of human contact will have
problems later in life. The newborn being cuddled by his or
her parents understands that the world is safe and secure.
This attachment will allow the baby to grow and explore the
environment without the fear of abandonment.
2. “Bonding” – Bonding is a powerful experience for the
manager and the employee. Staff members who are unable
to bond with their immediate supervisors – to connect on a
personal or emotional level – may find it difficult to be
enthusiastic about work. They may use more sick days, or
take out their frustrations on customers or co-workers.
3. “Separation” – An inevitable part of life, separation occurs
in every relationship. Spouses die, children go off to college
and people relocate to advance their careers. Separation
leads to the final and crucial stage of the bonding cycle.
4. “Grieving” – People who experience loss must accept that
reality and deal with their emotions. They must grieve in
order to move forward. A person who returns to his
workplace and threatens to harm his former colleagues
because he was fired is stuck in his grief. A longtime
employee who is passed over for a promotion and remains
bitter can’t extricate herself from disappointment and
sadness.
“
”
Feeling powerless is one of the first signs of being
taken hostage.
Bonding is a crucial element of workplace teamwork. Team
members who share mutual respect enjoy the challenges and
rewards of working together. They trust each other and express
their concerns without fear of retribution. They are careful to offer
constructive criticism and not simply complain. Dynamic leaders
work to maximize their teams’ performance, and not to control the
members or the environment.
Self-Esteem and the “Secure Base”
Individuals with high self-esteem do not fear responsibility. They
welcome challenges. They are optimistic by nature and capable of
finding creative solutions. Moreover, they do not allow adversity
to deliver a crushing blow. Their self-respect and positive outlook
enables them to weather life’s disappointments. People with low
self-esteem are never satisfied with themselves. Even as they
strive for perfectionism, they require constant reassurance.
Because they are insecure, no amount of positive feedback fills the
deficit they feel inside. However, they can boost their self-esteem
by accepting things they cannot change and asking for help and
guidance.
“
“
”
”
Well-founded trust, based on honest and reliable
conduct over time, can greatly enhance our ability
to cope with conflict.
People who experience a complete bonding cycle are likely to feel
secure and have high self-esteem. Parents who offer positive
reinforcement and convey the message that anything is possible
plant the seeds for a productive adulthood. Such parents become
secure bases for their children. A secure base is a person, objective
or even an object that anchors an individual, and provides
strength and confidence. Your secure base may be your spouse,
parents, boss, home, religion, passionate hobby, volunteer work,
or some other mix of people and support systems.
Without good secure bases, the individual is left to
the primal flight-fight reflexes. Secure bases have
the power to influence whether we become
hostages to ourselves or to events in our lives.
Take Bob, who was a loner, except for his dog, Buster. One day,
Buster eluded Bob and ran onto the road, where a car killed him.
Distraught, grief-stricken and filled with self-blame, Bob ran to
Buster’s body in distress. Three adolescent boys goaded Bob and
tried to yank Buster away. Enraged, Bob pulled a gun and locked
the kids in his house. Negotiators realized that Bob felt he had
nothing left to lose, since Buster – his secure base – was gone. But
they also thought Bob did not really wish to kill the boys, though
the standoff lasted 18 hours. Bob threw out the phones the SWAT
team put at his door, so a negotiator tried to toss a rock into an
open window with a note attached (“Please, let’s talk”). When it
broke a window, instead, Bob screamed at the man. The
negotiator seized the chance to bond. Bob demanded money for
his window, and the negotiator agreed. As they spoke, he learned
Bob needed cash to bury Buster. The negotiator promised (and
later delivered) the funds. Within two hours, Bob released the
boys and gave up his weapon.
Learn to Deal with Conflict
The reptilian part of your brain tells you to flee confrontation. For
some people, conflict brings up very unpleasant feelings. Children
who are traumatized by their parents’ bickering may avoid conflict
as adults. And yet, adults who cannot deal with conflict are
hostages. To be effective, leaders and supervisors must manage
conflict. Rather than link conflict with negative emotions, view it
as a learning and growth opportunity. Conflict is a natural
component of relationships. People will disagree – particularly at
work. The key is healthy dialogue, giving all those involved the
freedom to express their opinions and keeping excessive emotion
out of the equation.
“
”
Respect is a fundamental value and attitude in
dealing with people and should be at the heart of
every transaction to ensure a hostage-free
outcome.
In real situations, conflict management and dialogue are crucial.
For example, imagine a hostage negotiator’s first attempts to bond
with the criminal. The negotiator’s primary objective is to secure
the hostages’ freedom. Sometimes, the hostage’s actions make a
big difference. In 2005, Brian Nichols killed four people at an
Atlanta courthouse. A day later, he took Ashley Smith, a young
widow and mom, hostage. He tied her up in her home, but as the
hours passed, Smith got her captor to talk with her about major
life issues, such as religion and family. She gave him medication
and read to him from a book, The Purpose-Driven Life. They
connected when Nichols revealed that his son had been born the
previous night. Smith told Nichols “if he hurt her, her child would
not have a mommy or daddy.” During the night, Nichols untied
Smith. In the morning, she made him pancakes. He released her
peacefully. Bonding with him saved her life.
Handling Conflict at Work
If an employee is having a particularly strong reaction to a
conflict, rather than take it personally, examine the true cause of
the individual’s angst. Maybe he or she started the day with an
argument, or has an ill parent or child. Maybe the employee is still
angry about getting a ticket. Emotional reactions are rooted in
broken bonds and loss.
“
”
Wisdom is never found without positive emotions
of the heart being involved.
Ignoring conflict does not make it disappear. Like a wound that
needs first-aid, conflict requires attention or it worsens. Try to
resolve conflicts with sensitivity. Simply unloading on someone
who upset you will make the person retreat, and may trigger an
equally emotional outburst aimed, this time, at you. A civilized
approach works best. And check your timing. The end of a busy
day is probably not the best time to approach your boss with a
problem. You can resolve conflict only in an environment where
people are encouraged to deal openly with differences. Your firm
should advocate open communication; managers must be
approachable and listen to employees.
Negotiating: How to Talk a Good Game
Good dialogue demands that you look the other person in the eye
and avoid dominating the conversation. Say enough to get your
point across and then allow room for a response. You have to
listen. Good listeners rephrase what they’ve heard. Rather than
lash back against reprovals and attack, thank the speaker for his or
her valuable contribution. Do not allow yourself to be held hostage
by criticism or by your emotions.
“
”
Happiness is a state of mind, a level of
consciousness, and a degree of acceptance.
Effective negotiation requires dialogue – an exchange of
meaningful ideas that conveys the parties’ positions. Dialogue
should create a bond that deepens even if negotiations appear to
be going badly. You may hear “no” from the other party while, in
fact, you are just getting to know each other better and moving
closer to agreement. Sometimes, you may feel as if your
conversation is going nowhere. The other person is not really
engaged in dialogue, is stalling and refuses to be honest. You’re
frustrated – and you feel as if you are being held hostage.
Negotiation requires self-discipline. Consider police officers or
prison guards who, despite vicious verbal assaults from
perpetrators or convicts, do not retaliate. They maintain their selfrespect and composure. They try not to take it personally. That’s a
great lesson everyone can learn.
About the Author
George Kohlrieser, a psychologist and veteran hostage
negotiator, is a professor of leadership and organizational
behavior at the International Institute for Management
Development (IMD). He is an international leadership consultant.
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Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Life
Marshall B. Rosenberg
Puddledancer Press, 2003 %
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Concrete Examples
Recommendation
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg explains how to express your
needs and feelings in ways that promote respectful, empathic
interpersonal connections. He’s not writing primarily about
conflict resolution or mediation, though you can apply his system
of “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) in those
areas. Instead, he addresses “compassionate communication.”
Rosenberg’s updated manual – this is the third edition – offers
new communication-related behaviors you can apply productively.
Note that using this system requires embracing a theoretical
framework about human needs and emotions that Rosenberg
could have explained more completely and you’ll have to work
through some jargon, albeit kind and purposeful. getAbstract
recommends this compassionate method to businesspeople
seeking clearer communication and those interested in
mindfulness, relationships and personal growth.
Take-Aways
• Poor communication contributes to dysfunctional
relationships, misunderstandings and frustration.
• “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) is
built on interpersonal connection “from the heart.”
• NVC has four components: “observations, feelings, needs
and requests.”
• To practice NVC, learn to observe without judgment or
evaluation.
• Express your needs. Outside forces might stimulate feelings,
but they aren’t the cause. Your feelings come from your
needs.
• If you think other people’s actions made you feel angry,
you’ll blame them for your feelings.
• Before anyone else can value your needs, you must
acknowledge and value them.
• When you make a request, express needs and feelings, not
demands. Ask listeners to confirm they heard what you
intended.
• Apply nonviolent communication practices to deal with your
emotions.
• Use NVC to help others resolve conflicts. Replace “I have to”
with “I choose to.”
Summary
“Nonviolent Communication”
Many of your established communication patterns may contribute
to dysfunctional relationships, misunderstandings and frustration.
Making “moralistic judgments” about other people can alienate
them. This differs from making “value judgments,” which people
do all the time. Comparing people to each other interferes with
authentic communication, as does talking about what someone
deserves or denying responsibility for your actions. When you say
you have to do something, or someone else is making you do it,
you alienate yourself from other people.
“
”
Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication
(NVC) is “a way of communicating that leads us to
give from the heart.
“Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) offers
interpersonal connection “from the heart.” NVC helps you focus
and stay humane in tough circumstances. Using NVC, you can
alter your consciousness so that you see your actions differently.
NVC has four components: “observations, feelings, needs and
requests.” To apply NVC, work through these four elements.
Observe what’s going on. Share how an event makes you feel and
what you need. If you ask the other person to do something, your
request should be specific. Ask for something the person can do.
Don’t request an attitude change or an abstract intention. NVC has
two “parts” or sides. In one, you express yourself and your reality
honestly by working through the four components. In the other,
you receive communication and respond with empathy as you and
your counterpart(s) work through NVC’s four constituent parts.
You can apply NVC to personal relationships – within families, in
business and in group or societal conflicts.
“Observation”
Separate observation from “evaluation.” What you notice should
be specific to a particular “time and context.” Avoid using words
like “never” or “frequently” unless you tie them to specific
observations. Rather than using time-based words like these, cite
the number of instances of the behavior you’ve observed. To do a
better job of separating evaluation and observation, review the
statements you intend to offer, and identify any evaluations you
attach to them.
“Identifying and Expressing Feelings”
Knowing what you feel is valuable, but people won’t generally
support you in developing that insight. Often, you might not know
what they feel either – even with members of your family. To get
better at the practice of identifying what you feel, distinguish
between emotions and thoughts. If you can replace “I feel” in a
statement with “I think,” you may need to work harder to identify
your emotions. Likewise, if you follow the statement “I feel” with
someone’s name or the word “that,” you’re probably
intellectualizing an emotion or presenting an evaluation as a
feeling.
“
”
First, we observe what is actually happening in a
situation: What are we observing others saying or
doing that is either enriching or not enriching our
life?
Something another person does or says can be the “stimulus” for
what you feel, but it’s never the cause of your feelings. Your
feelings result from how you receive others’ actions and
statements – which is, in fact, a choice you make in combination
with what you need and expect at that moment. If someone says
something negative to you, you have four response options: You
can blame yourself. You can blame others. You can pay attention
to what you feel and need, or you can pay attention to what others
feel and need. Thinking through these options will help you
become aware of what’s happening, what people are feeling and
why. This is a valuable step toward identifying the needs at the
root of what you feel and what other people feel.
Identifying Needs
Most people lack experience identifying what they need. You
might have learned to criticize others when your needs aren’t met.
For example, if you want a clean, well-organized home, you might
nag someone in your family for leaving a coat out, without ever
recognizing your deeper need for clear spaces. This happens in
large-scale conflicts or in disagreements between workers and
business owners. Rather than identifying what they need, people
hurl accusations – labeling others and their actions.
“
”
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be
clear to the listener what we want them to do.
You have physical needs, like food and water. You have spiritual
needs, like beauty and harmony. Some needs relate to autonomy
and integrity, like being able to choose your values or create your
vision. Others spring from interdependence, like community,
acceptance and appreciation. Before anyone else can value your
needs, you must acknowledge and value them yourself. Identifying
your needs is an important step in a larger journey of “emotional
liberation.” This odyssey has three main stages: First, you
experience “emotional slavery,” when you feel responsible for
what others feel. Second comes the “obnoxious stage,” when you
reject that responsibility. You know what you aren’t responsible
for, but you don’t yet know how to respond to what others feel. In
the third stage, emotional liberation, you take responsibility for
your intentions and your actions.
Ask for What You Need
NVC’s fourth component is requesting, that is, asking other people
for things “that would enrich your life.” Use active language when
you make a request. Be specific and positive. Don’t ask people not
to do something. Ask them to take specific positive actions. Don’t
ask your spouse not to spend as much time at work or not to treat
you disrespectfully. Ask, instead, to share more intimate time or to
look into your eyes and listen when you talk to each other. If you
just express your feelings, your listener might not realize what you
want or that you want anything at all.
“
“
”
”
The more we empathize with the other party, the
safer we feel.
When you make a request, express your needs and feelings. This
makes your requests seem less like demands. In addition to
personal requests for actions that address your needs, ask your
listeners to reflect back what they’ve heard, to confirm that they
heard what you intended. Thank those who agree to your requests,
and empathize with those who decline.
When we first begin asking others to reflect back
what they hear us say, it may feel awkward and
strange because such requests are rarely made.
Ask what your listeners feel in response to your request, what they
are thinking and how willing they are to take specific actions.
Asking a group to do something takes extra care: If you aren’t
clear, you can waste people’s time. Make sure you present a
request, not a demand. People see someone who makes a demand
as criticizing those who don’t agree or trying to make them feel
guilty. When you make a request, empathize with the person who
receives it. Throughout this process, remember your larger goal is
to build “a relationship based on honesty and empathy.”
NVC Interactions
Applying these principles of self-expression as you listen to others
means “receiving empathically.” Listen with your “whole being.”
Give up your preconceptions about the people you’re hearing. As
you try to build empathy, be aware of communication patterns
that get in its way, such as correcting, educating, advising or
consoling people. Don’t try for “intellectual understanding.” Listen
for what people feel and what they need.
“
”
People feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and
needs within ourselves that are generating the
question.
Paraphrase what you think you’ve heard. If you’re right, the other
person will confirm your understanding. If you’re wrong, he or she
can correct you. When someone stays silent, empathize. Listen
“for the feelings and needs behind” the silence. Sometimes that’s
what people need most.
Compassion for Yourself
NVC can help you develop compassion for yourself. People who
have trouble responding with compassion to others often also fail
to treat themselves with compassion. Use NVC to help yourself
grow, rather than reinforcing self-hatred or disapproval. This
turns out to be hardest to do if you’ve made a mistake. That’s
when you tend to criticize yourself, generate shame, and tell
yourself what you should do or should have done.
“
“
”
”
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty
and empathy.
When you judge yourself, you try to express your “unmet needs”
from the present or the past. NVC helps you connect with feelings
or needs arising from things you’ve done but you now regret. As
you learn from the past, forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness involves
connecting to the need you were trying to meet when you took the
action you now regret.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more
likely it is that we’ll get it.
People often say that they do something because they had to do it.
If you do things because you feel you must, you’re acting out of
“fear, guilt, shame or obligation.” For a better approach, do things
that “contribute to life.” Consider committing yourself to not
doing “anything that isn’t play.” This can be liberating and can add
energy to your life. If you find yourself saying you have to do
something, pause and list each action you need to accomplish.
Acknowledge that you are choosing to do these things. Say, “I
choose to…” followed by the name of each step you are taking.
Identify the desire or need driving your choice. If you’re doing
something for reasons you can’t fully embrace, like for money or
approval, try to stop. If you embrace it – for example, if you
choose to drive your kids to school to keep them safe, for example
– accept it as your choice.
Anger
NVC can help express your anger usefully. Sever the link between
other people and your anger. If you think their actions make you
angry, you’ll blame them for what you feel. What another person
does can be a “stimulus” for your feelings, but it’s never a cause.
Instead of blaming others, look inside yourself to identify which of
your needs isn’t being met.
“
”
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action
language reveals what we really want.
Anger can misdirect your energy. People become angry or violent
when they believe others are causing their pain and should be
punished. When you get angry and need to express it, stop and
take a breath. Look inward for thoughts that are judgments.
Identify the unmet needs you have that underlie these judgments.
Express what you feel and need. Often, if you want someone to
listen to you, you need to listen to him or her first and empathize
actively. When you hear what someone else is feeling, you can
recognize the humanity you share.
Resolving Conflicts
“NVC-style conflict resolution” differs from other methods of
resolving disputes. Traditionally, mediators focus on issues while
offering an outside perspective to help the parties reach an
agreement about those issues. With NVC, the most critical part of
the process is establishing a connection between the parties.
Having a caring, respectful connection lets people talk
productively and see each other’s perspectives rather than staying
stuck in their own mind-sets.
“
”
Listen to what people are needing rather than what
they are thinking.
Express your needs. Listen for other people’s needs. Look beyond
what they ask for to what lies beneath the request. Provide
empathy, which people need before they can hear what others are
saying. Propose strategies to resolve the conflict. Use “present and
positive action language.”
Don’t fall into applying only “intellectual analysis.” People often
hear analysis as criticism. Playing the roles of different parties in a
conflict can speed the mediation process and move people out of
fixed positions. If people talk over each other or shout, interrupt
them. Your mediation role is as a translator. Help people say what
they can’t say on their own. Don’t use punishment to get people to
act. Punishment focuses on the consequences of an action at the
expense of your values, and using it will damage your goodwill and
self-esteem.
Inner Conflicts
Depression can spring from repeating internal, judgmental
messages. These critical messages prevent you from recognizing
what you feel and need. Translate such judgments into statements
that begin “I feel,” followed by “because I need.” Make positive
statements about actions that can improve your situation. Shift
away from “what went wrong” and focus on what you want to do.
“Expressing Appreciation”
NVC helps you voice gratitude without unconscious judgment.
Many compliments are judgments that can contribute to
alienation just as negative statements can. People might praise
others in order to influence or manipulate them. Instead, look for
ways to celebrate people. Identify which of their actions enhanced
your well-being. Name the needs that their actions fulfilled, and
share the joy this generated.
About the Author
Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, is the former
director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent
Communication. He has written 15 books, including The
Surprising Purpose of Anger; Beyond Anger Management:
Finding the Gift and Being Me, Loving You: A Practical Guide to
Extraordinary Relationships.
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Beyond Reason
Using Emotions As You Negotiate
Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro
Penguin, 2006
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Far too many books treat negotiation as a rational process, as if
the parties involved are calculating machines (or close to it).
Authors Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro show that is not the
case. They explain how emotions affect negotiating, and provide
tools based on five core emotional concerns for dealing with
powerful feelings at the negotiating table. This slender book is
clearly written, and the authors illustrate each point in their
theoretical framework with examples from their extensive
experience. The result is an immediately applicable book that
provides a host of practical tips. getAbstract recommends it to
anyone who negotiates…and that means just about everyone.
61
,
+

Take-Aways
• You don’t negotiate with your head alone. Your heart and
gut are involved, too.
• Deal with emotions by addressing the core concerns that
generate them: “appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status
and role.”
• Express appreciation. This will put people at ease and help
them negotiate creatively.
• Build affiliation. This will make the participants feel like
they’re all on the same team, and help people collaborate.
• Respect the autonomy of everyone involved, but don’t
surrender too much of yours.
• Respect people’s status and recognize that it changes
according to the situation.
• People play roles. Choose what’s involved in yours to make it
more satisfying.
• Powerful negative emotions hit every negotiator at some
time. Have a plan in place to deal with them.
• Most negotiators don’t prepare well. Get ready to deal with
your negotiation’s processes, its substantive concerns and its
emotions.
• After each negotiation, review what worked well and what
you need to change.
Summary
The Power of Emotions
“You negotiate every day” about everything from your work to
your meals. Every time you do, some emotion is involved. You
can’t ignore these emotions and you shouldn’t try. They won’t just
evaporate. If you don’t deal with them, they’ll distract you and
sabotage your efforts to act rationally. Emotions always play a
role, often a powerful one, so you need to learn to deal with them.
Start by recognizing that emotions are felt, not just thought. They
are in the body, and affect how you think and act. Emotions can be
positive as well as negative. If you like the person you’re
negotiating with, warm feelings can shift your relationship,
putting you on the same side as you seek to resolve a problem.
Positive or “contagious” emotions add motivation and incentive.
Being nice or friendly can spread. Of course, don’t let warm
feelings overly influence you; check any agreement you negotiate
against rationally constructed criteria.
“
”
“
”
Five core concerns stimulate, for better or worse, a
great many emotions that arise in a negotiation.
These core concerns are appreciation, affiliation,
autonomy, status and role.
Emotions can absorb a lot of energy and attention if you try to
address them directly. They are complicated and change quickly.
Therefore, instead of trying to deal with anger, then sadness, and
so on, focus on your “core concerns.” These universal, basic
desires generate emotions that shape every negotiation. The five
most important core concerns, which can and do blend together,
are “appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status and role.” Each
one flavors the emotional stew in specific ways. To judge if you are
addressing these concerns appropriately, check to see if you are
being fair and treating people honestly. Make sure your approach
to everyone’s core concerns is “consistent with current
circumstances.” One concern may get more attention in a given
situation than another, and that’s fine; appropriate treatment
shifts according to context.
The difference between having a core concern
ignored or met can be as important as having your
nose underwater or above it.
Use the core concerns as lenses that help you see negotiations
more clearly. Use them as tools. Review your proposals and
strategies to make sure you’ve addressed all five core concerns. As
you negotiate, watch for signs that you are or aren’t meeting
someone’s core concerns. When someone satisfies your core
concerns, you are likely to feel pleased, proud and enthusiastic,
making it easier for you to work creatively with other people and
to trust their adherence to your solutions. When someone neglects
your core concerns, you are likely to feel mad, tense, depressed
and even disgusted. As a result, you may distrust people, try to
handle things alone and pull away from proposed deals even when
they suit your interests.
Appreciation
Appreciation’s impact is direct and powerful. If you appreciate
people, you acknowledge their value and say so. Other people
don’t know you appreciate them if you don’t tell them.
Appreciation makes people feel at ease and more likely to
collaborate. However, a few stumbling blocks lead people to fail to
appreciate each other (and to lose appreciation’s benefits), for
example, you might not appreciate the other parties because you
don’t understand or agree with their perspectives. You might
recognize the value of their words and deeds, but fail to say so. To
take advantage of appreciation, reverse these obstacles: Make an
effort to understand what other people are saying, or trying to say
but can’t articulate. Listen for subtle cues, such as word emphasis.
Watch for “meta-messages” which communicate several things at
once. Look for the message behind the message.
“
“
”
”
Rather than getting caught up in every emotion
you and others are feeling, turn your attention to
what generates these emotions.
Seek the value in what others do, in negotiations and in daily life.
When you disagree with other people, look for the value in their
reasoning. If your beliefs make that difficult, play the role of an
“impartial mediator.” It isn’t enough to praise vaguely or
indiscriminately; you must “communicate your understanding” of
the other party’s value. Show that you see their specific viewpoint.
Reflect their words back to them and articulate how you’d feel in
their place.
The results of appreciation are simple and direct. If
unappreciated, we feel worse. If properly
appreciated, we feel better.
To build this skill, practice appreciation outside of negotiations.
Enlist a peer to role play appreciation. Have your colleague walk
through the other side’s arguments and practice finding value in
them. To help others appreciate you, use metaphors skillfully to
build an image of a common mission, narrow your communication
to a few key points and ask what they understand you to be saying.
Know that appreciating their argument is not the same thing as
accepting it.
Affiliation
It is easy to fall into the perspective that the other negotiating
party is an enemy…but that’s not the best approach because it will
keep you from working together. Instead, find ways to build a
sense of connection. The ideal would be to feel like part of an
extended family. That feeling is affiliation, which is crucial in
negotiations, but often overlooked. To consciously develop
affiliation in your negotiation, look for “structural connections,”
the links people share as part of the same group. Research your
counterparts. Did you attend the same college? Do you hold
similar ranks in your firms? Are you members of the same church
or professional group? Share this sort of information in early
icebreaking conversations. Ask about their families and
backgrounds. Create new connections with them by exploring
interests you have in common, from photography to the local
football team. Act like colleagues who are trying to solve a specific
problem by negotiating. Seek opportunities to interact outside of
formal negotiations.
“
”
When we feel affiliated with one another, working
together is easier. We view one another…as part of
the ‘family’.
Structural connections blend with “personal connections,” the
emotional links between two individuals. To promote these
connections, personalize your contacts. “Meet in person rather
than via phone, computer or e-mail.” Discuss shared interests.
Give other people space to pursue their concerns. Even the way
you sit in a room can promote these connections. Alternating
members of two negotiating teams around a circular table will
seem more personal than arranging two teams on opposite sides
of a rectangular table. As you cultivate personal emotions, take
care that they don’t overly influence you. Don’t let people use
them to take advantage of you.
Autonomy
Autonomy means you have control over your life. You decide what
to do and when. As you do that, avoid infringing on others’ selfdetermination. The proper use of autonomy requires heightened
awareness of other people’s boundaries and expectations.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to find this balance without limiting
your own autonomy more than necessary or accidentally
transgressing someone else’s. You can use autonomy well and
exercise influence without having any formal position or
authority. To do so, make suggestions or get the other party to
help generate options before a decision. This can be done formally
through “joint brainstorming,” in which parties – some of whom
may be quite adversarial personally, such as divorcing couples –
work to generate solutions. However, you can give someone too
much autonomy. Being asked to make too many decisions could
be overwhelming.
“
”
The worst time to craft a strategy to deal with
strong negative emotions is while experiencing
them.
If your actions in daily life have implications for other people,
such as your spouse, make a policy of generally consulting them
before making a decision. Likewise, if your actions have
implications for a wide array of people, such as two merging
companies, consult with them. You won’t get or need feedback
from everyone, but give those whose lives may be reshaped by
your actions a chance to speak. At least, inform all the
stakeholders, so they can adjust their actions and expectations.
When you must answer to multiple stakeholders, use “the I-C-N
Bucket System.” In this system, you metaphorically put each
decision into one of three “buckets.” Small decisions you can make
alone, but should tell others about later, go in “Bucket 1: Inform.”
Decisions you can make that include consultation with others go
in “Bucket 2: Consult.” Decisions you must make with others go in
“Bucket 3: Negotiate joint agreement.”
Status
Your status is how you rank in comparison to others. A high status
can make you feel better about yourself and add weight to your
opinions. You can influence other people with status alone, so
negotiators often jockey for position, as if there is a finite amount
of status to be divided. That’s a dangerous, misinformed
perspective. Competing for status leads people to resent one
another and can undermine their ability to work together. Some
people are acutely attuned to generalized status markers, such as
what college you attended or who your friends are. Some people
demand to be called by their titles, which is sometimes
appropriate. If in doubt, use a person’s formal title.
“
”
Spending time in the school of hard knocks can be
an excellent learning experience for every
negotiator. If you pay attention, you can learn as
much from failures as…your successes.
Your status will shift according to the values and demands of
specific contexts, so treat everyone with courtesy and respect.
Acknowledge each individual’s status in his or her field. If
someone is a good cook or mechanic, acknowledge that – and
recognize that this expertise adds something to your interaction
that you may lack. List the different areas where people might
rank their status or experience. If you can identify mutual areas of
expertise, perhaps you can divide up the responsibilities for a
given interaction without conflict. Status is not absolute; it can
increase or decrease. Raise your status by educating yourself,
researching those you interact with and acknowledging their
status.
Roles
Everyone plays roles all the time, from broad roles like “parent” to
more specific ones, such as being an executive at a particular
company. You need your role to have meaning and to sincerely
reflect who you are. Unfortunately, if you’re like most people, you
sometimes find yourself stuck in a painful or pointless role. To
make it more fulfilling, learn its purpose, and become more aware
of its goals and what they ask of you. If you are in dual roles that
uncomfortably conflict and demand different things, examine the
“label” that comes with each role and the actions that accompany
it. Any position has some required activities and some flexibility.
Use that flexibility to reshape your role until it includes activities
you find meaningful. Within your role, redefine the required
activities and negotiate how others define them. You may find that
your role is not satisfying because you expect different things from
it than others do.
“
”
In a negotiation, you always have a job to do. In
most cases, however, how you do that job is up to
you.
Use other people’s roles as a way to understand their interests. For
example, if people are stubborn about a position, maybe that
position gives them especially meaningful roles. Shift their
position by helping them craft new roles. For instance, ask a sulky
participant for advice about the issue at hand to shift the person
out of the role of balky, childish adversary and into the role of
adult advisor and counselor. Being asked to assume a higherstatus position that requires calmness and wisdom can shift the
person’s frame of mind. During a negotiation, you can also choose
to play temporary roles with specific functions. Many people do
this automatically, but you want to choose your role consciously so
you can promote collaboration. Is this the time to be a listener? Or
a devil’s advocate?
Emotion, Preparation and Processes
“Strong negative emotions” hit every negotiation at some point, so
be ready. These dark feelings can give you “tunnel vision,” when
they become all you see or feel. Negative emotions can influence
you so much that you might act against your own interests. Deal
with these emotions by learning to “take your own emotional
temperature.” Check in with yourself. Evaluate what you’re feeling
and how intense – and dangerous – it is. Have a plan for what to
do when powerful emotions sweep over you. Don’t disregard your
feelings, but, instead of acting on negative emotions, plan to do
something constructive. Take deep breaths, count backward from
ten to zero or call for a break. When you express emotions, be
purposeful. Vent to get the emotion out, but also to let others
know what matters to you, to influence them and to improve your
relationships. If you have to let off steam, that’s fine – but don’t do
it with your negotiating counterpart. Above all, have an emergency
plan for handling strong emotions. If you’re dealing with someone
else’s strong emotions, start by showing that you “appreciate their
concerns.” Take breaks when needed. If the emotional mix in the
room is undermining the negotiation, change locations or
personnel.
“
”
“
”
Preparation improves the emotional climate of a
negotiation. A well-prepared negotiator walks into
a meeting with emotional confidence about the
substantive and process issues, as well as with
clarity about how to enlist each party’s positive
emotions.
A lot of negotiators come to the table without preparation, because
they don’t have a “structured way to prepare” or a methodical
routine for learning from past negotiations. Prepare for each
negotiation. To get ready for the process of negotiating, develop a
specific, meaningful sequence to follow. To prepare for the
substance of the exchange, review its major elements, such as the
interests and relationships of the parties. Get ready for the
emotions that arise during negotiations by working through the
five core concerns. Use them to see the situation more clearly;
plan how to address each one.
The optimal emotional distance between
negotiators can be compared to the physical
distance between porcupines trying to keep warm
on a cold night. They huddle together, but do not
want to be so close that they are…pricked by each
other’s quills.
After a negotiation wraps up, review the process, substance and
emotional ramifications to analyze “what worked well and what to
do differently next time.” How did you address core concerns, and
how were your core concerns addressed? Keep a negotiation
journal to record what you’ve learned and review it before your
next negotiation.
About the Authors
Roger Fisher is director of the Harvard Negotiation Project, coauthor of Getting to YES, and an experienced negotiator. Daniel
L. Shapiro, associate director of the Harvard Negotiation
Project, is on the faculty at Harvard Law School.
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Jasmine Oduro
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2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #1, due by 6pm on 2/4/21: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #1, due by 6pm on 2/4/21
2021 Spring Term (1)
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Journal Instructions
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Reflect on who you spent your early life with. What kinds of conflicts did you
see growing up? How did you define, think about, and approach conflict then?
How were conflicts handled by the people around you? How do you wish they
were handled? What are some of the pros and cons that you see in the various
ways that conflicts were dealt with? What thoughts and feelings does this raise
for you now, as a student of dispute resolution? How do these experiences
affect your approach to conflict in your life now (professional, personal,
societal)?
After reflecting on the questions above, write a journal of 300-500 words
distilling what you learned about conflict from those experiences in your life.
Share only what you are comfortable sharing. It is not necessary to answer
every single question as it appears above. Condense what you discover
through your reflections into a narrative about how the past connects to
today. Be as specific as possible, and provide examples where appropriate.
With these reflections, aim to provide the reader with a sense of who you are,
as an individual and in your role as a conflict supporter.
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INDEX
Jan 31, 2021 – Feb 6, 2021 (1)
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Week 3- Feb 8-12
Saturday, February 6, 2021
Week 4- Feb 15-19
Week 5- Feb 22-26
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Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
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Reflecting on my childhood days, I think that it is during that
period that one engages in various disputes, although mostly it is
usually on light issues. Being the only girl in a family of two boys
put me in a position where conflicts with my siblings were quite
common. Sometimes I would be the one causing the conflict,
while at other times, I could be trying to reconcile my older
brother with the younger one. However, the people I credit the
most regarding teaching us how to handle conflicts were our
parents.
At the time, I didn’t realize it, but now I fully appreciate the
fact that our parents, especially my mother, had some of the best
skills in handling conflicts. Every one of us knew that no matter
the gravity of the issue, she could somehow find a way of
restoring peace and harmony. It’s funny that even now when we
are grown-ups, we find ourselves reaching out to her to help us
whenever we find ourselves in some disagreements, and she also
helped me immensely in understanding the best ways to solve
conflicts.
One of the things I admire from her when it comes to solving
conflicts is that she is a great listener. I remember how we would
come shouting and accusing the other party of being on the wrong
side, and my mother would patiently listen to both parties before
giving out her judgment. It is something that I have borrowed
from her and helps me enormously when solving conflicts in my
adult life.
Secondly, she had this saying that she kept repeating to us
that “being right does not always necessarily mean you are the
only one who is right, sometimes two opposing sides can both be
right.” It helped me realize that even though I might be right when
considering things from my perspective, the other party might also
be correct when considering things from their point of view. It is
something that significantly helps me today, not only in solving
conflicts but also in avoiding them. I have come to realize that
sometimes putting yourself in the other person’s shoes might
greatly help in alleviating some of the avoidable conflicts.
Looking back now, I realize that my childhood days
provided some of the best lessons about conflict resolution. I
understand that sometimes people don’t argue, disagree, or fight
because they hate each other. It can be just because of some issues
that can be easily solved and peace to be restored. Such mentality
helps me even in my adult life to understand that behind every
conflict, there is a reason and understanding how to deal with it is
crucial in solving the conflict.
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2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
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Reflection Journal #2, due by 6pm on Thursday 2/18: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #2, due by 6pm on Thursday 2/18
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
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Create Journal Entry
Building SOC 380
04[9866] (John Jay
College)
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READ THIS FIRST
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
Syllabus and Rubrics
Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Course Work
Week 1- Jan 25-29
Week 2- Feb 1-5
Week 3- Feb 8-12
Week 4- Feb 15-19
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
Journal Instructions
Journal Details
This reflection journal builds off class #2, where we reviewed filtered listening
versus solution-less listening.
Examples of filtered listening include: listening to give advice, listening to
problem solve, listening to find out if we agree or disagree, listening to find
out if we can relate to the speaker or not, listening when our personal bias or
opinion changes how we understand the speaker, etc. In this class, we are not
saying that filtered listening is good or bad, or right or wrong. In fact, certain
roles and responsibilities may require us to practice filtered listening.
Solution-less listening is a skill that we cultivate as mediators. This type of
listening can help us better understand how the speaker sees a situation
subjectively, from their own point of view (not from anyone else’s). Instead of
listening to respond, with solution-less listening, we listen to understand.
GRADE
2/14/21 4:45 AM
3.00
/3
Comments
INDEX
Feb 14, 2021 – Feb 20, 2021 (1)
Listening
This week, pay attention to how you listen. When you notice yourself listening
with filters, take note. What filter(s) are you using? When and where and with
whom do you practice filtered listening? Do you notice any patterns? What are
the results of filtered listening?
Note: your filters may be different than the examples above. Find your own
language to describe your filters, if necessary. Be specific. If you notice a
particular kind of filter or bias in your listening, give language to that bias.
Remember: filters are not good or bad, or right or wrong. Filters can enable us
to be effective in the right environment. Filters can tell us a lot about our
values, expectations, beliefs, and so on (remember our positions/interests
framework here). Be curious about how you formed your filters.
If you find yourself practicing solution-less listening, take note of that as well.
When, where, and with whom? What are the results? Do you notice any
patterns? What is it like for you to practice this skill?
Now write 300-500 words on your experiences reflecting with the questions
above. It is not necessary to answer every single question, but you should
make connections and consider your experiences from several different points
of view.
Course Tools
Class Recordings
Sunday, February 14, 2021
Reflection Journal
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Listening
Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Sunday, February 14, 2021 4:45:33 AM
It is an undeniable fact that listening to other people carefully
while they are talking is an excellent skill that not everybody can
apply during conversations. Having observed me in the course of
the week I realized that I used both the filtered listening and
solution-less listening under different circumstances. Therefore, it
is my firm belief that both ways helped me provide me different
outcomes and gave me valuable experiences.
To begin with, I tended to apply filtered listening while I was
attending lectures, seminars or I was just participating in a
discussion that I had to express my opinion. To be more exact, I
was listening to correct, to judge, or just adjust my opinion with
the alternative perspectives during these discussions. It is clearly
illustrated that I was using filters that I grew up with and I
developed them due to social factors. As a consequence, I
understood that this kind of method helped me to accept new
information and other opinions with an open mind, but at the same
time to filter whether something was right for me or not.
Secondly, I recognized the importance of solution-less listening
during my experience. I used this type of listening when I was
talking with family, friends, and people that they are important to
me. Precisely, when someone was expressing a problem to me I
was trying to be empathetic and compassionate without having on
my mind that I should have an answer after the end of the
conversation. In the beginning, practicing this skill was not easy
but I realized that other people could feel more relieved if you
listen to them empathetically.
Taking these experiences into consideration, I am inclined to
believe that not only we should use filtered listening but solutionless listening as well in different circumstances. This observation
of mine made me realize the benefits of both ways.
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2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #3, due by 6pm on Thursday 2/25: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #3, due by 6pm on Thursday 2/25
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
Dispute Resolution Skill
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Journal Instructions
Journal Details
Review the 5 core concerns in Beyond Reason: appreciation, affiliation,
autonomy, status, and role (Chapter 2, Chapter 9). Read how the authors
define each concern. How would you define each concern in your own
words? Consider what the authors say each concern looks like in
practice when it is ignored or met (see Chapter 2, p 19).
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
Syllabus and Rubrics
As you go through your week, take note how the five core concerns
appear in your daily life (for example: work, home, school, parenting,
relationships, leisure, etc.) When you notice a core concern, observe
whether it is being ignored or met. How do the core concerns impact
your emotions in your daily life? How do these emotions affect your
thoughts and behavior? What do you think would be different if your
concern was ignored or met? As you go through your week, take notes
as you observe the above.
Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Course Work
Week 1- Jan 25-29
For your journal, synthesize what you learned through your
observations in 300-500 words. Define each core concern in your own
words. How do you tend to feel, think, and behave when each concern is
met vs. ignored? When you identify emotions, be as specific as possible
(consider referring back to the Feelings Wheel in the Handouts section
of Blackboard). Provide specific examples as often as possibie.
Week 2- Feb 1-5
Week 3- Feb 8-12
Week 4- Feb 15-19
GRADE
2/23/21 10:19 AM
3.00
/3
Comments
Feedback to Learner
4/16/21 9:03 AM
Great use of emotional vocabulary here.​​
INDEX
Feb 21, 2021 – Feb 27, 2021 (1)
#3
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Tuesday, February 23, 2021
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
#3
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Tuesday, February 23, 2021 10:19:44 AM
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
Course Tools
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Final Paper
Participation SelfAssessment
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Information
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‹
In an individual’s day-to-day activities, there are five main
concerns: appreciation, affiliation, autonomy, status, and role.
Appreciation is the concern of acknowledging the things you do or
who you are.
Affiliation is all about people associating
themselves with you as their colleague. The freedom to make
decisions and that people respect the decisions is autonomy. Status
is the position you hold in different places. The role is the
activities that you do in different places.
When there is appreciation, I feel important at the workplace,
beautiful before my partner, much love from family members,
creative and daring in school and playful during leisure activities.
When there is no appreciation, I feel sad, miserable and lonely
amongst family members, boredom, sleepiness and less
playfulness during leisure activities. In a relationship, lack of
appreciation makes me feel insecure, while it will bring about
feeling uncreative and stupid in school. For example, when I
receive an award for performing well in school, I will feel brave.
When there is an affiliation, I feel instrumental, creative and
vital amidst other workplace colleagues. The affiliation will make
me feel brave, creative and resourceful in school and
relationships. Lack of affiliation in the workplace and school will
make me feel useless and unresourceful. For instance, when all
family members want to identify themselves with me, I will feel
critical.
When people show autonomy to me, I will feel important,
useful, and trustworthy at the workplace, school, and family.
When people respect my decisions, I feel independent. When
people fail to respect my decisions, I feel less-respected and
unable to make proper decisions. For example, if I am in charge of
a particular project, the manager advises my juniors; otherwise, I
will feel bad as there will be no autonomy.
When people recognize my workplace status, the feeling of
honour comes in as I know that they adore who I am at work. In a
place where people do not recognize my status, the feeling of
dishonour comes in, affecting my ability to work. For example, I
am the company manager, and then the junior employees do
important things without getting my consent, I will feel like I do
not deserve the position.
In a situation where people respect my role in a particular
activity, there will be a feeling of fulfilment and usefulness in an
organization. Where colleagues do not respect my role in a
project, I will feel useless and unfulfilling. For example, when I
am handling a specific task, and then the team leader assigns
another person to do it in my absence, I will feel unworthy.
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2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #4, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/4: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #4, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/4
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
Dispute Resolution Skill
Create Journal Entry
Building SOC 380
04[9866] (John Jay
College)
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READ THIS FIRST
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
Syllabus and Rubrics
Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Course Work
Week 1- Jan 25-29
Week 2- Feb 1-5
Week 3- Feb 8-12
Week 4- Feb 15-19
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Journal Instructions
Journal Details
In reflection journal #3, you observed how the 5 core concerns showed up in
your daily life at home, work, and school; in parenting, friendships, and
relationships; and at the political, organizational, and government levels.
This week’s reflection journal focuses on designing interventions that express
appreciation, build affiliation, respect autonomy, acknowledge status, and
choose fulfilling roles.
Like last week, you will pay attention to the 5 core concerns as they appear in
your life and the news. Use what you’ve learned about the 5 core concerns to
intervene in ways that acknowledge the 5 core concerns.
Interventions are actions– behaviors, statements, or decisions– that respond
to people or a situation. Interventions are intentional because they are based
in your analysis of that person or the situation. Interventions are ntend to
alter outcomes by making interventions. For this assignment, our intended
outcome is promoting the 5 core concerns for ourselves and others.
GRADE
3/4/21 2:52 PM
3.00
/3
Comments
Feedback to Learner
4/16/21 9:07 AM
Great examples of interventions.​​
INDEX
March 2021 (1)
Interventions
In 300-500 words, write about an intervention for each of the 5 core concerns.
It can be an intervention you really used in the moment, or one that you came
up with later. Include at least 2 interventions to take place at the political,
organizational, or government levels. You do not need to be in the position of
executing these interventions to imagine what might be effective in a given
situation.
Make sure you explain why you chose the interventions you did. Here are
some reflective practice questions you can use to think about your chosen
interventions:
What was the intended impact of your interventions?
Were they effective (or do you expect them to be)? Why?
How can you tell whether an intervention is effective or ineffective?
If any of your interventions were ineffective, why do you think that was?
What would you do differently next time?
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
Thursday, March 4, 2021
Course Tools
Class Recordings
Reflection Journal
Discussion Board
Roleplay Groups
Handouts
Final Paper
Participation SelfAssessment
My Grades
College and Help
Information
Lloyd Sealy Library
Campus Resources
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Interventions
Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Thursday, March 4, 2021 2:52:15 PM
Interventions for the 5 Core Concerns
Appreciation
One intervention I use to appreciate others during a conflict
resolution process is to reinforce their willingness to participate in
conflict resolution. For example, I could tell them that I appreciate
them taking the time or for their willingness to negotiate. Another
intervention I use is to give them a small gift when I can. These
interventions have always worked because they increase the
likelihood of the other party or parties listening and resolving
conflicts in the future. The thing I could do differently to show
appreciation is to write thank-you notes to all parties after
successful conflict resolution.
Affiliation
To promote affiliation and a sense of belonging during conflict
resolution, I stay calm and listen attentively to what the other
party or parties say. I also try to manage my emotions and
maintain a positive attitude. Active listening helps to understand
the reason for the conflict while managing emotions and
maintaining a positive attitude makes other people cooperative
and willing to negotiate a solution. One of my greatest weaknesses
is that I always resolve conflicts after damages have been done. I
could try and resolve issues early next time.
Autonomy
I promote autonomy during conflict resolution by not making
decisions before consulting others and respecting the decision of
each party. If two parties conflict, I call them to a meeting and ask
them to resolve issues amicably and with respect. And if, after
calling the two conflicting parties to a meeting, I discover that one
of them is not ready to talk, I ask them to take the time to cool
down until when they are ready to talk. I could also try to talk to
them individually before bringing them together next time.
Status
To show respect for the statuses of all parties in a dispute
resolution process, I treat them with respect, and I try to be honest
with all of them. I also try not to be partial because partiality often
leads to feelings of hatred and hostility and can derail the dispute
resolution process. Treating all parties with respect and being
impartial makes everybody cooperative and shows that one is
willing to listen to all sides. I could try to understand each person’s
status in advance next time.
Role
Dispute resolution processes won’t succeed if the role or position
of each party is not respected. As such, the first thing I do is
understand each person’s professional role: CEO, chairman,
supervisor, and so on. Understanding these roles helps shape
interaction processes because some people may want their
professional positions to be respected. Where I am not in a
position to be a mediator in a conflict because of the roles or
positions of the people involved, I intervene by getting someone
else involved. I could also try to understand each person’s role or
position in advance next time to know the caliber of people I will
be negotiating with.
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John Jay Students
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John Jay Library
2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #5, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/11: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #5, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/11
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
Dispute Resolution Skill
Create Journal Entry
Building SOC 380
04[9866] (John Jay
College)
Click to collapse/expand grading panel
READ THIS FIRST
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
Syllabus and Rubrics
Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Course Work
Week 1- Jan 25-29
Week 2- Feb 1-5
Week 3- Feb 8-12
Week 4- Feb 15-19
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
Course Tools
Class Recordings
Reflection Journal
Discussion Board
Roleplay Groups
Handouts
Final Paper
Journal Instructions
Journal Details
Last week we learned and practiced reflection, which is a type of active
listening technique. This assignment will focus on these 3 different modes of
reflection:
Mirroring (using the same words as the speaker)
Affect labeling (identifying the emotions experienced by the speaker)
Reframing (identifying the interests of the speaker, rather than the
positions)
This week, practice each form of reflection with someone in your life. Review
the handouts on feelings and needs, including the Feelings Wheel and NVC
handouts: they may come in handy for affect labeling and reframing, but don’t
feel constrained by using them either.
GRADE
3/11/21 4:38 AM
3.00
/3
Comments
INDEX
March 2021 (1)
#5
Here are some questions for reflective practice that you can use to observe
yourself after practicing reflection:
How does it feel to practice this skill of reflection? Does it come easily,
or does it challenge you? Why do you think it is?
Are some modes of reflection more challenging for you to practice than
others? Why do you think that is?
How is practicing the skill different when you agree with what the
speaker is saying, versus when you disagree?
Did you reflect any strong emotions for someone in your life? What was
that like for you?
Did you find any types of filters appearing in your reflections? How do
you think they affect your use of the skill? (Think about what we learned
about filtered listening vs. solutionless listening.)
What reservations do you have about using this skill?
Did you use any other skills in combination with reflection? (e.g.
positions/interests, 5 core concerns, non-violent communication,
filtered listening, solutionless listening, etc) What did you notice about
combining them?
Here are some questions for reflective practice that you can use to observe
your speaker after practicing reflection:
How does reflection seem to impact the speaker? What is your evidence
for that?
Did any of your reflections strongly resonate for the speaker? What did
you notice about that? How did it impact the speaker?
Did your speaker “walk back” any statements after you reflected them?
What did you notice about that? How did it impact the speaker?
Did your speaker have any reactions to reflection that surprised you?
Confused you?
Write 300-500 words about your experiences practicing reflection. You do not
need to answer all the questions above, but you do need to demonstrate a
similar kind of critical exploration. You can also explore new topics not
identified above.
Participation SelfAssessment
Thursday, March 11, 2021
My Grades
#5
College and Help
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Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Thursday, March 11, 2021 4:38:43 AM
I found mirroring to be an effective tool when negotiating
a solution to a conflict. For example, repeating keywords spoken
by the speaker made me pay attention and treat what they were
saying with close consideration. This reflection technique also
made me empathize with what the speaker was saying, especially
when I agreed with them. The benefit of mirroring lies in the fact
that nobody feels pressured, or that they are being interrogated
because it does not involve asking any questions. Rather, it
involves repeating what is said with a curious tone. The mirroring
technique is effective for quelling the potential for hostility and
confrontation, and for building rapport.
On the other hand, my practice of affect labeling (putting a name
or noticing emotions) made me realize that it is an effective tool
for suppressing negative emotions. In other words, just
recognizing and naming the emotions of a speaker or speaker can
be very helpful in quelling those emotions. Affect labeling helped
me to transform negative emotions, such as anger, hatred, and
more into objects of scrutiny, and to disrupt their intensity. For
example, if I detected anger in a speaker’s words, it helped me to
determine the best way to calm them in advance. However, I
found this technique to be ineffective when the speaker is
uncooperative.
Reframing is another reflection strategy that I found to be useful,
especially because it helps identify what the interests of the
speaker are. Additionally, reframing helps to understand the
concerns and needs behind what a speaker has said, identify issues
that must be resolved, and to quell blaming. Reframing also
helped me to clarify perspectives and to prove that there are issues
that need to be resolved. However, I also realized that speakers
can get angered when what they say is reframing by simply toning
it down.
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2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #6, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/18: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #6, due by 6pm on Thursday 3/18
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
Dispute Resolution Skill
Create Journal Entry
Building SOC 380
04[9866] (John Jay
College)
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READ THIS FIRST
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
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Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Course Work
Week 1- Jan 25-29
Week 2- Feb 1-5
Journal Instructions
Journal Details
This week, practice the “mediator 2-step”: a reflection followed up with an
open-ended question.
Reminders: We covered reflections in class #5. Please focus your practice this
week on mirroring (using the speaker’s language) and affect labeling (refer to
the Feelings Wheel in Handouts).
We covered open-ended questions in class #6. Remember that these are
questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
The mediator two-step partners a reflection with an open ended question.
Practice as many times as possible with different people in your life.
GRADE
3/18/21 2:57 PM
/3
Grade by rubric
Comments
INDEX

March 2021 (1)
#6
Write 300-500 words on your experiences. What impact does the 2-step have?
What kinds of situations is it most/least useful in? How do people respond to
it? How does it feel to practice? What are the barriers to you using this in your
real life conflicts? How does this skill relate to nonviolent communication, the
5 core concerns, and other conflict skills you’ve learned in this class and
others?
Week 3- Feb 8-12
Week 4- Feb 15-19
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Thursday, March 18, 2021
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Week 13- Apr 19-23
Course Tools
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Reflection Journal
Discussion Board
Roleplay Groups
Handouts
Final Paper
Participation SelfAssessment
My Grades
College and Help
Information
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#6
Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Thursday, March 18, 2021 2:57:38 PM
I found the two-step mediator process to be very effective in opening
spaces for people to be more flexible. According to this conflict
resolution model, one should affirm or establish relationships before
moving on to problem-solving. As such, I spent the first few minutes
engaging in a bit of chit-chat when the people I tried the strategy on: I
brought a doughnut or coffee as a gift; I talked about local gossip or
sports, I asked about a family member, appreciated a souvenir or
picture on the wall, and so on. All these were aimed at creating human
connections before turning to serious business. People responded to
the two-step model positively because it made them melt and
cooperate. However, I found this strategy only to be effective when
dealing with relationship-oriented people. For others, such as taskoriented persons, I had to wait for them to finish what they were doing
first.
It felt good to practice the two-step mediator process because it made
me connect even with the most difficult people. I discovered that most
people value relationships above everything else. Focusing on creating
relationships makes it easy to resolve disputes or relationships.
However, distractions can be a barrier to the successful use of this
model or process. For example, it would be difficult to establish
relationships with someone who is distracted by work. The best thing
to do is to wait until when they are not distracted or engaged in
something. The two-step process may also not work when someone is
mad or in anger. It would be better to wait until one’s anger cools down
before trying to resolve issues with them. Part of establishing
relationships during conflict resolution involves using nonviolent
communication, appreciating others, creating affiliations, and
respecting role, status, and autonomy. Thus, the two-step mediator
model, the five core concerns and nonviolent communication build
upon one another.
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John Jay Library
2021 Spring Term (1) Sociology Laboratory in Dispute Resolution Skill Building SOC 380 04[9866] (John Jay College)
Journals
Reflection Journal #7, due by 6pm on Thursday 4/15: Jasmine Oduro
Reflection Journal #7, due by 6pm on Thursday 4/15
2021 Spring Term (1)
H
Sociology Laboratory in
Dispute Resolution Skill
Create Journal Entry
Building SOC 380
04[9866] (John Jay
College)
Click to collapse/expand grading panel
READ THIS FIRST
Getting Started in SOC 380
Announcements
Syllabus and Rubrics
Course Calendar
Faculty Info
Zoom Link
Journal Instructions
Journal Details
Identify a conflict or unsatisfactory situation with someone in your
life that you’d like to apply the nonviolent communication (NVC)
process to. This practice will probably work best if you choose a
situation that provokes some moderate feelings for you (not mild,
not too intense). Bonus points if you choose a situation where you
observe yourself evaluating/judging the other person or yourself.
Apply the Four Part NVC Process using the handout in the
Handouts section on Blackboard. Refer back to your textbook as
needed, and be sure to demonstrate your comprehension and
integration of the assigned readings.
Course Work
Write your responses to each question listed on the handout. Give
each prompt a heading:
Week 1- Jan 25-29
1. Observations
Week 2- Feb 1-5
2. Feelings
Week 3- Feb 8-12
3. Needs
Week 4- Feb 15-19
4. Requests
Week 5- Feb 22-26
Week 6- Mar 1-5
Week 7- Mar 8-12
Week 8- Mar 15-19
Week 9- Mar 22-26
Week 10- Mar 29-Apr 2
GRADE
4/15/21 1:26 PM
/3
Comments
INDEX
April 2021 (1)
#7
5. Reflection: in this final section, write a few sentences on what it
is like for you to use this four-part process. What, if anything, do
you see differently about your situation as result of the process?
What would you change about the process to make it more useful
in this situation? Would you recommend this process to otherswhy or why not?
You may need more than one sentence to fully respond to each
prompt. Your total journal should not exceed 300-400 words.
Week 11- Apr 5-9
Week 12- Apr 12-16
Thursday, April 15, 2021
Week 13- Apr 19-23
#7
Course Tools
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Reflection Journal
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Posted by
Jasmine Oduro at Thursday, April 15, 2021 1:26:36 PM
The chosen conflict relates to a situation that I had with my
mother over earnings. Since I worked for it, I should be at liberty
to spend it and still receive monthly stipends. My mother argued
that I should take more responsibility, which I contested. The
following sections show the application of the NVC process.
Observations
Final Paper
Person 1: When I do not receive the monthly stipend, unlike my
siblings, I have to use my money.
Participation SelfAssessment
Person 2: When you spend your money, you worry about the lack
of freedom and fair treatment.
Feelings
My Grades
Person 1: I feel enraged and frustrated.
Person 2: You feel hard-done and unfairly treated?
College and Help
Information
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Campus Resources
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Needs
Person 1: I want to be motivated to work hard every day because I
value the ability to buy myself the things I desire.
Person 2: You still require the monthly stipend because you need
to buy yourself things with your money?
Requests
Person 1: Would you be willing to cover any shortfalls beyond
my earnings for monthly expenditures?
Person 2: Would you like to receive a specific portion of the
typical stipend to cover any additional expenditure beyond your
earnings?
Reflection
Using the four-part process helps me focus on language. It
also provides an opportunity to change the tone of communication
and reach an amicable solution with the other party. Through the
process, I visualize a new reality- that I am heard, understood,
appreciated, and respected. It also helps me to connect with the
other party’s needs as opposed to looking for opportunities to win
the conversation. I believe the process perfectly fits the situation.
It diffuses the threat of words escalating into a power struggle and
offers me a chance to reflect on my needs empathetically. I would
recommend the NVC process to others. The process creates a fluid
conversation that embraces active listening and is an asset in any
form of conflict.
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K < Essay #1 Think about the most important, most impactful, or most interesting things you learned this semester. What lessons are you taking with you as we close? Use your reflection journals as a jumping off point for this exploration. Reread the work you produced so far, and note any comments made by the instructor. Consider the following: What are you thinking, feeling, and doing differently now, with regard to conflict? How has your concept and practice of conflict changed as result of the new ideas and skills introduced through the course? Be specific. Provide concrete examples from your life, politics, etc. Show me what your takeaways look like in practice. Do not merely summarize your past journals. You must bring together those old ideas in new ways. Demonstrate your understanding of the relationship between the different topics we covered this semester. Show me how the skills, ideas, and concepts all work together to support your takeaways. How do those skills and concepts complement and enhance each other? | Hint: You may only have space to write about a few top takeaways; you do not need to summarize every single thing you learned this semester.) Organize your learnings by theme. I included many different possible themes to get your imagination going. These are merely suggestions. You will probably have more fun if you choose your own themes that best represent your learnings. This prompt will be updated on Blackboard. Please let me know if you have further questions. Warmly, Meredith Purchase answer to see full attachment

  
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